well. this weekend i had lots of time to think. it seems thats all i ever do anymore is think. about what i should say what i shouldnt. i mean i dont tell anyone anything and its really amazing i'm accutally going to write in this journal or w.e. and post it. so theres this girl. but i cant stop thinking about how depressed i've been getting. which makes me more depressed because i spend all my time thinking about it. so that in its self is a big vicious cycle. so people say that i make things a big deal when they dont need to be. i have a couple theories as to y this is. i'm so confused about everything right now i mean things with my family have never been good and my parents recently finding out i'm a vegitarian things havent gotten much easier. eating is pretty much the only thing i really have controll over that and how much i go on the computer really. which both seem very cliche but its the truth. it also seems that there isnt any good music out anymore. like i havent found a good song that i just fell in love with for a long time. one that i could really relate to. theres so much stuff going on though. i mean its like i'm drowning in work and jsut stuff. and it sucks cuz i play piano but i got injured and i;m not allowed to play and that helps me deal with alot of my shit i realized and not being able to play makes things pile up espically cuz i cant write to save my life i cant get things out that way and i dont talk to ppl so i cant tell them wats going on. there are so many things i am unsure about that i dont no the answer to yet i know so much. I keep being told that from one of my friends. If only i could tell ppl how i really felt about things but i dont no it seems like theres always something in the way from me being just normally happy. not worrying or being pissed off or anything just things going well doing wat i want saying wat i think and everything. i dont think i have ever been completely honest with anyone. its hard to imagine that but thinking about it i dont think i have ever told anyone the whole story about anything. people keep saying i just need to be my self do what i want and things will start working out. but its not true u cant do that. b cuz u r constantly being judged by everyone and everything. you cant have ur own complete opinion b cuz ur constantly being influanced by so many things. ur parents friends media. everything. highschool is probably the worst thing in the world as well. b cuz everyone is trying to be something they arnt and they r always trying to fit into this mold. and no matter how many times you say u dont want to fit into the mold and that you cant. there will always be a longing to be liked to be popular to be the person everyone wants to be and that everyone admires.